I Feel Like A Forest Princess

     I am overwhelmed right now. And for the first time in a while, not the bad kind. This week has felt like forever, and I'm actually glad about it. It's amazing how even when it feels like I'm walking in the valley of problems, money, finals, life, God finds a way to show me that the valley isn't a pit. It's a forest, and it may be dark now but the sun does rise. A couple of years ago, I got a fortune cookie from a Panda Express in Colorado. My 'fortune' read: "You are surrounded by silent love and friendship all around you." I've kept it ever since to remind me, but suddenly I realize I don't need a piece of paper to remind me. I have people to do that now.

     First off, I was informed late last month that I'd been chosen for the Promises to Keep Scholarship from TJC, where I go to school. Only recently did I realize how that happened. In order for a student to even be considered, they must be recommended. Basically, a TJC staff member must state what's so great about said student and why they deserve the scholarship. I laid in bed that night filled with an immense cloud of love. Someone that I interact with, decided to tell the school that I was awesome and should get money for school. I can't thank that faculty member enough. She made this winter a little warmer. (Though honestly, it's Texas, so it's not that cold to begin with. But you get the idea.)

     These last few days I have come into contact with people I've never met before, only to be blessed by their capacity to love me (or at least like me) right then and there. Today was my first day at my new job, coincidentally the same place where I got my life changing fortune cookie. It was hard to begin with, stressful, the things new jobs are, but with the patience of my boss and coworkers, I got the hang of it. To top that off, I returned home to find flowers and a note from my sweet roommate and friend, and surprise Hanukkah socks from another wonderful person. I feel so incredibly warm inside. Also, it's raining which makes everything tenfold awesomer. (That's a word, right?)

     With each blow that bring me down, a hug is there to bring me up. With each word spoken in anger, a whole book is spoken in love. With each sad day is a raindrop and a flower to make it all okay. I forget that the stressful times can't make life pointless. But the people in life, can definitely make it worth living. I don't know what I did to deserve them.

I'll Keep You Safe

    The past two months have been incredibly trying for me. For the first time in my life I've been having panic attacks and anxiety. It's sudden and random and seemingly out of the blue. I've had to lean on people more than usual, and that can be hard for me. So on top of the anxiety and fear, I've had to deal with my own personal poor me attitude that I seem to have when I'm having to accept people's kindness. I don't want to be a burden. What if they're just doing this because they're nice? What if they don't really want me here? These are thought holes, patterns I have to break in myself. I don't know if God is using this time in my life to show me that people do care about me, and that as much as I try not to, I do need people. My Rabbi gave a teaching the other day that struck me. He said that he boasted before God and was humbled drastically. I realize now that I've spent my life boasting about how fearless I am, and how nothing can phase me, and that I don't need people because I'm fine on my own. Everything I've built my being on for the past few years is gone now. I'm afraid and anxious and have needed people every step of the way. Talk about humbling. Though this has all been incredibly hard, and I've felt almost abandoned by God at times, I've never loved humanity more. People care. It doesn't always seem that way, but they do. The challenge is letting yourself be vulnerable enough to open up and admit you're struggling. If anything, these troubles have showed me just how prideful I can be. But it's also showed me how loved I really am. By my friends, and also by God. 

    People say that God works in mysterious ways. And I think that's true, a lot of the time. But I also think a lot of the time He works in obvious ways. Or at least obvious to Him. I think God has probably figured out by now that I don't understand His subtlety. I feel Him more than I hear Him and I look for Him in everything, because I know that if I don't, I'll miss something. And I know I have. But lately I haven't missed it all, because he's used my deepest insecurities, and who can ignore that? I realized a while back that I love fortune cookies. They're like little surprises, even though I know the 'fortunes' are bogus. What I also realized though, is that those fortunes could definitely be used to speak to me, so every time I open one I tell God that here's a chance to tell me something that I'll actually get, in case He wants to use it. And He usually does. In one of my previous posts I mentioned one about acorns growing into trees. That was one of those fortunes. The other day I was at a restaurant with some of my favorite people. But as I mentioned before, I'm an insecure human being and and have a hard time believing people actually love me. My friends, knowing how much I like fortune cookies, brought a whole handful to the table. I ended up with multiple cookies. As usual, I told God that I was listening if He wanted to use the cookie to tell me something, I was listening. The first two cookies were rubbish and made no sense. I was sorely disappointed as I really needed to hear Him that day. I took a deep breath and opened the final cookie. 

    "You are guided by silent love and friendship all around you." 

    I cried. It was exactly what this poor, insecure me needed. God came through and showed me His love. I keep that little slip of paper in my clear phone case so I can just turn my phone over and read it whenever I'm feeling lonely or hopeless. It helps to be reminded that even though sometimes love is silent, that doesn't mean it isn't all around. 

    Another way God speaks to me, is through music. I'm a big music lover and you'll rarely see me without music of some sort. A couple of days ago, a friend of mine posted a song on my Facebook and told me that my name popped into her mind while she listened to it. The song was 'I'll Keep You Safe' by Sleeping At Last. I cried while I listened to it. I've been a bit of cryer lately. The song was everything I needed. It was like a letter from God written just for me. In it He told me that He would keep me safe, that I don't have to be afraid. He said that the darkness would pass, that mistakes are made and that it's okay. He told me that I'm not a failure, that I'm an artist and my heart is a masterpiece. I'd recommend everyone go listen to that song right now. God used my friend to show me His love. Without people in my life, I wouldn't have received either of these encouragements. God comes through. Sometimes it takes more than one cookie, or more time than you wanted to wait, but it happens. It just takes a lot of patience and a little faith. 

    I'm not back to normal yet. I still have trouble sleeping, and the dark makes me nervous. Everything I thought I knew about myself has been challenged and that isn't easy for me to deal with. I have a long way to go before I'm comfortable alone again, but I know that I know that I know that God is going to hold my hand through every night, and every fear, and that I am loved and will have people to help me along the way. 

"Winston Churchill said that. I think."

     "You are destined for greatness."

      Haven't we all wished for this? For a Jedi master or a gray wizard to come to our door and say that we are special; that our ordinary life is about to change. You are the chosen one. I'd like to be a chosen one. I'd like to be sitting on my porch, smoking a pipe (or reading a book more likely), and have a very tall man with a beard whisk me away on an adventure to slay the dragon and save Middle Earth. I want to be that kid in the middle of the desert who finds out his father was a Jedi, and that he too would be one of the greats. Thing is, they didn't have to do anything to become something. That's fiction. People aren't really chosen like we think, picked out of the human population as someone who will make a difference. 900 year old aliens with British accents and blue police box space ships don't take random girls' hands and tell them to run, to come away with them, "You and me, time and space. Where would you like to start?" No matter how much I dream and wish that it would happen, that I would be in the right place at the right time to have my whole world turned upside-down, to be someone special, someone who makes a difference, the odds are not exactly in my favor. Sure, there are people walking down the street that get noticed by a famous movie director and whisked away to a life of fame. But let's be honest here. Not to dash your hopes and dreams, but sometimes you have to be realistic. You can't spend your days waiting for your English professor to proclaim you a literary genius and splatter your work all over the famous author billboard. No, you can't sit at home, or lay in the grass in front of your college, imagining the day when it will be you. Your turn. It won't happen.

     Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to dash all your hopes and dreams. In fact, I'm trying to help you achieve them. I broke open a fortune cookie after dinner a few nights ago. The 'fortune' was nothing less than a sign from heaven. One of those, "Oh look, I've been impaled," moments, to quote Frozen.

     "Start that project which will make a difference. Remember oaks from acorns. Yes, you can!"

     Yeah, it actually said that. Serves me right for wasting my break watching cat videos and browsing Facebook. I may not write the next best novel. I might not make the biggest scientific discovery of the century. I may not save the mistreated orphans in Bulgaria. I definitely won't be the next President. I may not ever do anything that's considered contributing to society. And maybe you won't either. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try. "Well what if I don't want to do anything good? What if I don't care to make a difference? What do you have to say to that?" Okay. That's fine. I'm not talking to you anyway.  I'm talking to the person that wants to leave their mark on the world. The person that wants to change lives for the better. The person with the amazing idea that doesn't think they have what it takes. You know what?

     Abraham Lincoln was a failure as a business man. He was defeated time after time to be in a place in the government. He even wrote in a letter to a friend, "I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth." But guess what. He didn't give up.

     Winston Churchill was a failure in school.

     Thomas Edison's teachers said he was "too stupid to learn anything."

     Albert Einstein's teachers said he was "mentally slow, unsociable, and adrift forever in foolish dreams." He was even kicked out of school.

    There are many many more examples. Steve Jobs, Michael Jordan, Babe Ruth, Lance Armstrong, Walt Disney was even accused of not having enough imagination. What's your excuse?

     You don't have to wait around for your big break. You don't have to let the things people say decide how you are going to live your life. It's your life, and if you want to change the world, then change it. One step at a time. And if you fail, well I have a message from Winston Churchill himself.

     "Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never - in nothing, great or small, large or petty - never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never, never, never, never give up."

     Get up, little acorn. Get off the couch, or stay on it if sitting is involved. It's time. Time to make a difference. Time to be the oak tree you've always wanted to be. It's never too late. I believe in you. And  you know what else? If you never achieve what you dreamt of, no one can ever say you didn't try. You won't live your life regretting the fact that you didn't try. And if you only ever touch one person in this life, make a difference in one small human soul, it's enough. I would even say it was a success. If I change one life for the better, I'll have left my mark, no matter how small. And if not the life of someone else, the journey you take, the fight you endure, will at least make you a better person. And that's worth more than all the cat videos in the world.