I Used to Think

              I used to think that to be an artist, you had to be sad, or tormented, or crazy. Or maybe that it was the sad, tormented, and crazy that became artists. Isn’t that what we’re taught? Hemingway was a depressive alcoholic. Van Gogh was tormented or insane, or both. Even Lewis Carroll and the Beatles were on drugs. It was an artist’s fate, and it was my fuel. Writing for me has always been an insatiable need, a drive, integral to my very breath. Writers block, or lack of inspiration, stung like a careless word on a secret insecurity. It nagged at my fingertips, and made my teeth itch. I needed fuel for the fire, and where did I go? My sadness. My depression. My tormented mind. That part of myself on the edge of losing my mind. My darkness. I dug it all out, tore off scabs, dug up mistakes I’d buried in the dark recesses of past repentance. And there was the flame, and the fury, and the tears, and there were poems, and deep thoughts, and odd paintings, and freakish obsessions, and these were comfortable. These fit in with the world, with society. These made me down to earth, approachable, the kind of person I always liked. These tore me away from my Creator.

I watched an episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine recently with some kid friends. In it, they encounter a non-linear species, one that does not live from moment to moment but in all moments simultaneously. In an attempt to communicate, they kept bringing the captain back to the day his wife died. The captain tried to explain that this was the past, that it was over, that they were linear, and this was no longer happening. “Then why,” the entity asked, “do you still live here?” That question sent shivers through my bones. Every memory, every mistake, every lost friendship and missed opportunity… I lived in those. Those were my home, food, fodder for the starving artist.

I used to be afraid of changing too much. Of letting G-d become my everything. Of filling my moments with prayer and praise. I was afraid to let Him heal the broken parts of my spirit, because I thought that when I lost my pain, I’d lose my poetry. I was afraid that the one thing I loved most in this world would be stripped away from me and yes, I would have G-d, but I would no longer be me. No longer be down to earth and approachable. No more torment, no more accelerant for my fire. So I had a limit, a wall, a measuring stick on how much I would let Him in, let Him change me, and I was stuck there. Was.

My main man and me, all packed
              for the move to College Station.

Last weekend was Yom Kippur, the biblical holy day of repentance, of giving all your sins, all your past, all your doubts to G-d and becoming clean, white as snow, a new creation. I wanted that clean slate, I wanted to be of one mind with my Heavenly Father. I thought that one could repent and mean it but still be a little dark. Want to know something? You can’t be. You will never be wholly G-d’s. You will never be of one mind. G-d is light and light cannot exist without expelling darkness. I had to let go. I had to take my sins and give them to G-d, and this time I could not take them back. I could not reintegrate them into my synapses for my poetry. If I give them to G-d, they’re gone. No longer mine. I told G-d that I was afraid. Of losing myself. Of losing the gift He gave me. You know what He told me? He reminded me that He indeed was the one who gave me my gifts. They are not something I acquired because of my pain or darkness. Not something I gave myself. These gifts are just that, gifts. My gifts were given to be used by the best version of myself I could possibly be. The version that can be whole hearted with my G-d. I would not lose it. In fact, I would gain so much more, by being the person my poetry was meant to be written by. He was right, and I finally let Him in.

So here I am. A much different person than I was a week ago. My past is my past but it can no longer control me. I refused to let it own me, and now its power is lost. I am a new creation, full of light, and the desires of past have faded. And I’m still writing poetry.

Because Everyone Could Use A Story About A Duck

    I remembered this essay I wrote a few years ago and thought I would share it. Enjoy. 

    They say that a dog is a man's best friend, and when mine unexpectedly left me for the great unknowns of the after-life, I was left without one. Loneliness enveloped my heart. I found myself looking for a new friend to claim that aching spot. I researched long and hard, and after my living situation turned down my hopes of raising a hedgehog, I stumbled upon something I had not imagined. If you were to ask me how I arrived at the conclusion that a duck, of all creatures would do the trick, I could not tell you, but sometimes it's the unexpected that brings happiness to a broken heart.

     Piper was a Peking duckling with fluffy yellow down, a pink bill, and feet webbed in between the toes with warm, paper-thin skin. He was a mostly docile little thing with a flair for the dramatic. It was either that or he just hated being alone. I had read on the internet that ducks were social creatures that are able to bond with humans, as long as contact with others of their kind was limited. Based upon that knowledge I tried my best to keep him away from the other ducklings I had acquired at the same time. Piper slept in a big box at the foot of my bed, and when I say he slept, I mean it in the loosest way possible. I would make sure his box was clean and ready for the night and then would gently set him down and walk away, my heart breaking as his shrill cries followed me down the hall. Piper was what you could call a social butterfly. If he wasn't cuddled up under someones neck, or stuffed head first in the crook of someones arm, he would squeak and try to put himself in one of those two spots. If I was unable to walk and balance his ever growing body on my arm, he was content to sleep in my purse while I shopped or did my chores. Piper and I were virtually inseparable. We both wanted it that way.

     It was soon after Piper arrived that I got my first job. This posed problems for quality time spent with my little duckling and my dreams of taking him for walks and training him to wear a diaper. I didn't give up though and soon designed a small stretchy diaper made out an old sock for him to wear. It worked for short periods of time where I could run about the house with him following close behind, his syndactilous feet slapping the ground like a fish out of water, his undersized wings flapping, and his 'wait for me' screams bringing the dogs from every corner of the house to see what all the raucous was about. It was during this period of waiting for him to get big enough for an official, professionally made diaper that I discovered something. While ducklings are cute, they will not hesitate to give you a run for your sanity. I would allow the fuzzy little bird to roam my bedroom freely, as long as he stayed mostly on the towel I spread out for him, but having a brain the size of peanut, Piper eliminated wherever he pleased. It became a regular thing for me to be consistently wiping up liquid excrement and constantly doing laundry, in response to the fact that Piper preferred to spend the majority of his time in my lap, or at least touching me in some formor fashion. Sometimes, when given free reign of the bedroom, he would bolt across the room with a waddling dash and send his food dish careening in the opposite direction, leaving me to fetch a vacuum, in hopes of removing every last pellet from from my floor.

     While Piper may have driven me crazy sometimes, just like any other pet would, we had really memorable times as well, like taking him to the grocery store and hoping he would stay quiet so we didn't get into trouble, lying on the couch and watching a movie with him snuggled up nice and close to my face, and having him sample my fingers and me kissing his bill. Bath time was always the favorite. I would fill up the tub with lukewarm water and watch as he paddled his little feet. He made me laugh when he would swiftly propel himself under the water like a frog, splashing water all over me and the floor, zooming around and around, with his eyes open, until he ran out of air and resurfaced.

    Piper grew and soon shed his soft down for grown up feathers, white as pearls, and almost as shiny. His neb and totipalmate feet matured into a lovely shade of orange. We were happy, but life soon got busy and when Piper was being left alone for the majority of the day, my heart began to hurt for his misfortune. I then did what I thought was best for my little billed darling. I reunited him with his long lost duckling friends, in the land of the grass and wind. Piper was happy with the companionship of his kind. When Piper was happy, so was I. A few weeks later, when I returned home from work, I was met with news that cut my soul out, and chopped it into a million pieces. Piper was gone. Like my previous animal companion, Piper had unwillingly abandoned me for the unknown world of death. A fox had stole in during the night and ripped my love away from me.

    My heart still aches for that flightless little bird. Every so often I peruse the pictures that are left from our life together. I can still feel his warm mouth nibbling at my eyelashes, and his fleecy down when I would bury my face in his warmth. I can still see his little black eyes staring at me like he understood my feelings. I can still hear his breath, his squeals, and the quack he gained as he grew. I still laugh at the memories of the times we would play dress up, and he would end up wearing a dress. They say a dog is a man's best friend, but I am not so sure; because sometimes, it's the unexpectedthat brings happiness to a broken heart. 

Love is Insanity

         In the second week after moving to Colorado, tragedy has already stricken. Today I buried my feline friend, Margaret Munchkin Kitty or Greta for short. She wasn't even two years old, but Mother Nature always has her way. I'm not new to this, to losing a pet, a companion. There was my dog, Bella, my cat's, Hattie, Tenny, and Astrid, and my fish, Doug and Sebastian. Every time I'm faced with the chance of a new pet, I always ask myself the same question. “Why are you getting another pet, they always seem to die.” And every time I bury them, I ask myself, “Why did you get another pet, you knew this would happen.” I don't know why I do this to myself. Why do I constantly put my heart out there? Why do I love when I know I'll just get hurt again? It's the definition of insanity. I do the same thing over and over expecting different results. So maybe love is insanity. Here we are, humans going about our lives, loving and losing and being insane. That's what humans do. That's what humans are. Why? I've come to the conclusion that, at least for me, it's having something to love, to care for, to rely on you. And I keep doing it, hoping that maybe, just maybe, one of them will live past two.

        As I watched my dad dig a hole in the dark, rich soil of Colorado, I thought to myself, I'm a pro at this. It shouldn't bother me anymore. Why do I still fight back tears? Why am I so human?Why do I keep loving? I recalled an episode of BBC Sherlock that I'd seen. I remembered a quote which Sherlock's brother, Mycroft, said to him.

       “All lives end. All hearts are broken. Caring is not an advantage, Sherlock.”

       Maybe not. And maybe I tried not to care, not to feel. Maybe I stroked Greta's face and tried not to cry. But I did. Not a lot, but I cried. I don't know why. Maybe a feeling of yet another defeat. Another of my loves not living past two. What am doing wrong? I didn't make her ill. I cared for her as best as I knew how. None of my pets have died because of something I did. I mean, maybe if I had trained Bella, she wouldn't have gotten in the neighbors trash, and been shot. But I didn't shoot her. I didn't neglect any of my animals. Sure, maybe I should have cleaned out Sebastian's tank more often. Maybe I should have put a water heater in there for him. Regardless of what I did or didn't do, I keep trying. I keep loving. For those kisses, for those cuddles, for the excitement at feeding time. For the look of love and never hate or malice, I keep loving. I suppose, maybe it's worth it. To have loved and lost, rather than never loved at all. I'm so thankful for the time I had with Greta, and I'm going to miss her with my whole heart. Those big green eyes were worth every tear.

      Maybe I'm insane. But so is life.